My two daughters are back to school, extracurriculars, homework, and social life. The rhythm that I was so missing during the summer is back. I had a vacation and a couple of long weekends to rest and “recharge”, so why am I feeling so tired? I wake up in the mornings, help them get ready, pack their lunch, go to work, pick them up, take them to their activities, sit and watch while trying to do some work from the bleachers, bring them back, feed them dinner, and make sure homework is complete and ready. I am a great parent! I am committed to them, and they are my priority. Yet I am impatient, irritable, and become angry when I see their poor emotional regulation. She throws a temper tantrum, and sadly, I response with one of my own.
Science tells us that children see how their parents display emotions and interact with other people and through imitation learn how to regulate their emotions. We play a significant and unique role in the emotional development of our children. How they empathize and interact with others, how they self-regulate, and how they cope with adversity is all a reflection of our own interactions with them, our partners, and others in our social circle. In addition, our emotions are not just communicated verbally, but non-verbally as well. Our hearts literally beat to the rhythm of our emotions and, as an electric organ, generates a magnetic broadcast signal that others feel. So, if we are anxious and frustrated, it does not matter what words we use, we signal to the world our true emotion through this magnetic field. Others around us pick up on that signal and sometimes, especially those that are closest to us, become influenced by it. Think about that person that “lights up the room” or “sucks the air out”, that is your perception of their emotional broadcasting.
“You cannot pour from an empty cup” is such a cliché. You hear it, and maybe even say it. It wasn’t until I learned how to meaningfully recharge that I realized how empty my cup was. It was absurd to expect my children to regulate their emotions when I could not do the same. I was not assigning any time or priority to “fill my cup”. I needed to learn new skills to improve my emotional regulation and health. School does not teach us how to do this. Somewhere between science and math, and orchestra and soccer, we have forgotten the importance of learning how to develop emotional resilience. We know, with the new scientific understanding of emotions, that relaxation alone is not enough for emotional balance and resilience. We need intentional activities that helps us manage our emotional energy. Here are some strategies that can help you recharge and fill your cup. Commit to them for at least two weeks to see any difference:
Learn a breath practice and use in the mornings to set the tone for the day or use between tasks. The Heartmath Institute has found that 5-10 minutes a day of practice is enough to positively impact our resilience, especially when combined with renewing emotions such as appreciation or compassion.
Find something to appreciate every day. Write a gratitude or appreciation journal before bed.
Find a tool that allows you to become more self-aware of your emotional energy leaks and commit to addressing one a week. Meditation, mindfulness and similar practices can help.
Get adequate and renewing sleep.
Engage in an activity that you enjoy such as gardening, exercising, hiking, dancing, music, or volunteering. Commit to set time in your schedule for it.
I know…you don’t have time! We cannot be the best parents for our children’s emotional development if we do not learn and practice meaningful self-care. Trust me, my healthier emotional regulation has resulted in a quieter and happier household. My children deserve the best, so I dedicate time to be the best version of myself for them.